I am strung, having been introduced, finally, as an adult to my (lost) biological father’s family.  He died, young, heart attack.  At my current distance from them, I don’t know anything about the future… I think about the past, and I really don’t know anything about that either.  I see everyone’s struggle.  I see guilt, I feel guilt. 

I walked into his house and it was such as I could never imagined.  Four days have passed, and I am still wishing I will not ever dream about it.  I might wish that I had never gone in, but I know I would be wishing I had gone in if I had not.  That is the way it works.  Today, I understand that he could never have been there.  He could have not been the father, he was unwell.  I understand the disconnection, I understand the inability to “cope.”

I will always be afraid to live in a world where the sun does not shine.  The dreams I had in the past about the end of the world, about nuclear fall- out, they were genuine nightmares. 

Arizona, the sun.  The high and ever expansive sky.  This is home.  But, I also found a piece of home in the mid-west… on the Vitamin D – Belt.  I saw eyes that look just like my eyes– my uncle’s eyes.  I saw and felt the genes… the origin… the roots.  I looked at my father’s purple face and saw where my sister and I got our chin and the shape of our eyes.  

I have always known my mother’s family.  I have always had the family of my step-father, he is “dad,” and I am grateful.  I have always wondered over the mystery of my Slovakian heritage.  It is tragic the way in which he passed.  Sad that the reunion was circled with this tragic circumstance.  I do not know where my heart can take me next.  Today, I look for the answers.  I keep looking.